Long, long distance love affair

2010/10/31
By P. Selvarani




GETTING married may be easy enough but staying happily married is the real challenge, as any married couple will attest to. But how do you cope when mountains and oceans divide you and your other half?

"Communicate, communicate, communicate," stresses public relations consultant Art Thamboo, whose marriage to diplomat K. Sudha Devi has seen them living apart for almost a third of their 22 years of marriage.

The couple are currently divided by some 15,000km of land and sea, as Sudha is in Brasilia, as the Malaysian ambassador to Brazil, while Art is home in Malaysia running his PR firm, Eric Pringle Associates Public Relations.


The first time the couple had to live apart was in September 1988, exactly a year after they got married, when Sudha was sent to Geneva for a one-year training stint. In January 1990, Sudha, who was then pregnant with their son Viva, was posted to the Malaysian Permanent Mission to the United Nations in Geneva.

Art offered to resign but his boss then, the late Eric Pringle, advised him to go on sabbatical and accompany Sudha during her posting.

Prior to Sudha's appointment to Brazil last year, the couple had been apart on two other occasions when she was posted to Singapore (1996-1998) and Berlin (2004-2007).


Throughout this time, their son Viva and daughter Visha have always been with their mother. However, Viva is now pursuing his higher studies in Melbourne.

Thanks to technology, the couple and their children communicate several times a day via the Internet, Skype and Blackberry chat.

The Thamboos meet at least three or four times a year, with Art doing most of the travelling.


"Travel is a killer, especially now because travel to South America is not only an odyssey -- 30-plus hours -- but it costs at least RM10,000!"

One of the main setbacks, Art adds, is that special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries are sometimes spent alone.

"It does affect you somewhat when you are unable to commemorate certain landmarks together, such as celebrating your 50th birthday! But at the very minimum, we try to celebrate every alternate year.

"But there are also other things such as not being there to take the children to the doctor."

Being apart can also take its toll on the children but the Thamboo kids have learnt to be independent.

To beat the loneliness, Art spends his time outside work playing squash, reading, listening to music, catching up with his close friends and window shopping.

Does being apart for such long spells ever give rise to temptation?

"No. It takes two to clap, so there must be mutual respect and a shared commitment. The marriage has to be based on trust. Try not to let a disagreement fester. Also, one should always be cognisant of one's interactions always."

For former national gymnast Dr Farrah-Hani Imran, love that is founded on a strong friendship has helped her cope with being apart from her Irish husband of 15 months, Dr Enda Kelly.

The couple, who met while they were both working in the same hospital in Dublin, Ireland, have been maintaining a long-distance relationship for the last four years ever since Dr Farrah returned to Malaysia.

She had been living and working in Dublin for 10 years before that. The couple tied the knot in Kuala Lumpur in August last year.

But they did not get to enjoy a honeymoon as Dr Farrah, who is a trainee lecturer at the UKM Medical Centre, had to report back to work at Hospital Universiti Sains Malaysia in Kota Baru, where she was then attached to, immediately after the wedding.

"Enda followed me back and was with me for two weeks but it wasn't a honeymoon because I was working."

But the distance has not stopped them from meeting up every three or four months either in Dublin or in KL. Needless to say, they talk to each other every day.

"We try to Skype when we can but sometimes network connections can be poor with plenty of frozen screens," she laments, adding that the toughest adjustment they had to make was getting used to communicating solely via telephone.

The flight tickets and phone bills alone fairly take a huge chunk out of their pay cheques but the couple have planned their finances fairly well.

"The recession has also affected us and our families but we all try to cope as best we can," says Dr Farrah.

Why did they choose to live apart?

"We didn't choose to live apart per se. But after 10 years away, I came home to spend time with my family and to serve my Sports Scholarship with the Youth and Sports Ministry and the National Sports Council."

Dr Farrah believes that because she and Dr Enda were good friends before committing to a relationship, it helped ease the pain of being apart.

"Actually, we both don't view it as a difficulty or a challenge but rather just a means to an end, because we know we'll be in the same place soon. So, we make the best of the situation," she says, adding that having their respective families and circle of close friends has also helped them have a decent social life, even when they are apart.

"I think what's really important in a long-distance relationship is keeping the communication going. There must be trust, peace, understanding, freedom, laughter, happiness and friendship."